2009 Circle Jerk Band Introductions

             Circle Jerk Introduction/Goulash Archipelago

Ladies and gentleman welcome to the 5th annual Circle Jerk.  Who would have thought that an atypical, completely out of character night on the piss for Mark Tupuhi a half decade back would see us all standing around now, desperately waiting for my inappropriate oratory to end?  Fifteen bands are about to butcher each others work in an onanistic frenzy of self appreciation, performing as if surrounded by mirrors that refract and reflect their rhythmical talents through a prism of their Hamilton peers and predecessors.

Enough with the tortured metaphors and extended similes. If the last five years have taught me anything it’s that wanking jokes, be they as subtle as the casual caress of the bell end or as urgently insistent as rapid hand-shafting, just aren’t funny.  No one gets off on them.  The event title notwithstanding Circle Jerk is all about the music.  So let’s get to it.

The name of tonight’s opening act is a cunning pun on one of the great works of modern Russian literature.  Decidedly post-Solzhenitsyn, Goulash Archipelago is a miss-mash of warmed over talents, refugees from The Big Muffin Serious Band sans Nick, who presumably has been exiled to the Gulag.  Distinctive of flavour, years in the seasoning, ladies and gentlemen, Goulash Archipelago.
                                         Sumo Love Machine

Band number two has the best Hamilton theme music since the Mobile Stud Unit announced that  “we love chicks and lots of micks/we want you to suck our dicks”.  Like MSU Sumo Love Machine put a theatrical spin on the whole punk ethos, using humour and satire to augment vital musicianship.  Performing for the last time with this line-up, Sumo Love Machine.
                                                 Wasteland

More at the hardcore end of punk spectrum than the previous band, our next are minimalists in the best sense of the word.  Intense, energetic, and pared down to the essence of the movement, ladies and gentlemen, Wasteland.
                                                Dynamo Go

I owe the next band an apology.  Last year’s introduction doubled as an obituary but they have persisted in the intervening twelve months and could rightful insist, Mark Twain-like, that rumours of their death have been greatly exaggerated.  Fresh off a new CD, sporting one or two new personnel, the pop princes of H-town, Dynamo Go.
                                                The Dusk

The name of our next act is presumably ironic.  The Dusk do not represent the end of the day but the youthful dawn of a new era.  Second generation Hamilton musicians, here in flagrant violation of all relevant drinking laws, teenage sensations, The Dusk.
                                       The Prime Numbers

It is a sorry state of affairs when we have to wait until the sixth band of the night before the female form graces the stage.  Thankfully Marion and the recently engaged one are deserving of a grand build up.  Circle Jerk marks the sad finale for this particular incarnation of The Prime Numbers, all the more reason for their slightly accented brand of alternative rock to be treasured.  The Prime Numbers.
                                               The Shrugs

Our next band is the one constant of Circle Jerk, the only act to have appeared at all five events.  Others might have been around longer but few Hamilton bands have been as prolific or as consistent over an extended period of time or displayed such lyrical sophistication and polished musicianship.  Remarkably, they are all good family men as well, proving domesticity need not be the enemy of creativity.  The Shrugs.
                                                     Doteyes

Some have suggested that our next performer was so taken with his own talent that he created a magazine to publicise himself.  According to this theory Mammouth is but the mouthpiece and propaganda arm of Shane Dudfield, whose one man electronic band debuted at last year’s Jerk and has gone from strength to strength ever since.   I guess when you call yourself Doteyes people expect you to be unreasonably pedantic about journalistic conflicts of interest.  All this aside, plenty of objective commentators have hailed the Dudfield genius.  Ladies and gentlemen, Doteyes. 
                                   Knights of the DUB Table

Existing at the nexus of reggae music and Arthurian legend Knights of the DUB Table bring a line up of impressive size and talent to Circle Jerk.  Finalists in last year’s Band Experiments, their combination of reggae, drum n’ bass, hip-hop and rock is long overdue at this too often honky event.  Knights of the DUB Table.
                                               Radiator

In web publicity as much as in live performance our next band leave punters in no doubt as to where they are coming from.  They are a four piece dirty funk band; Sam sings and plays in a funky, old school style; they have a smooth selection of funk/rock songs, including garage funk and rock n funk roll with funky drum and bass grooves.  In short, they are funkin’ fantastic, ever fighting, for our right, to remain… well you know the rest.  Ladies and gentlemen, Radiator.
                                              Sora Shima

Reigning Band Experiments champions, the peddle heavy instrumentalists Sora Shima probably don’t get enough credit for their greatest achievement: getting Gavin McDermott to shut the fuck up and sit still long enough to play the drums.  According to their own publicity they have something in common with a subplot in the new “Star Trek” movie: their music creates black holes.  Ladies and gentlemen, an implausible implosion of H-town talent, the terribly concentrated Sora Shima.
                                                Rumpus Room

The next lot of veterans lived up to their names and reputations last year, truly creating a rumpus.  Ever threatening to record but never quite doing so, even the live shows nowadays are a rarity with the jet setting life style taking precedence.  We are indeed privileged tonight; long may we continue to be so.  Ladies and gentlemen, Rumpus Room.
                                              Mystery Band

Our next, unbilled act is something very special.  A one-off super group formed just for the 5th anniversary, its members include the only A-grade squash player in The Datsuns, a founding member of the Mobile Stud Unit and a ubiquitous sound man and one other besides.  Ladies and gentlemen, Hatupatu.
                 Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers

The penultimate act tonight produces arguably the most danceable music on the bill.  New Zealand’s foremost proponents of psycho-rockabilly, a combination of the best voice in town, blistering lead guitar and a completely vertical rhythm section, Dick Dyanmite and the Doppelgangers have been waiting 24 long months to play before a Circle Jerk crowd.  We have been waiting too.  Ladies and gentlemen, Dick Dynamite and the Doppelgangers.
                Concluding ‘Thank Yous’/Dharma Junkies

Before we get to the final band some public displays of affection are in order.  Circle Jerk is not a spontaneously occurring phenomena, it requires funds and organisation.  In the former category a big thank you is due to the Hamilton Community Arts Council, its elders and bureaucrats, for their continued fiscal and moral support.

I’m sure we’d all also like to acknowledge Glen Leslie’s brilliant work on the Circle Jerk poster, a detailed and inclusive work which demonstrates that if the name of the event has not progressed since 2005 the promotional art sure has.

On the organisational front the sterling efforts of Shane Dudfield and his Mammouth gig guide, together with those of Hamilton’s own Miss Moneypenny, Paula the human dynamo, contributed greatly to getting the thing off the ground. 

The greatest thanks though should go to a person who did more than anyone to make tonight happen.  Dealing with bands, funding agencies, venues, designers, printers, website gate keepers and a chorus of H-town critics can be a lonely and thankless task but Lauren came through it all and stage
 managed this evening to boot.  Please a round of applause for Ms Lauren Kerr-Bell.

Right, we end as we began and as we mean to go on.  Five years ago the Circle Jerk concept was hatched and developed by our final performer.  Mark Tupuhi hasn’t quite played each and every Jerk but it’s not for want of trying.  Give it up for the godfather of circle jerking: ladies and gentlemen, Dharma Junkies.